i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
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