Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
Randomize
