I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
Then you guys just all showered together...?
Randomize
