we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
Randomize
