Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
just cuze she's 16 doesn't mean it's illegal to add her on facebook
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
where are you?
Hypothermia
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
Randomize
