do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
I'm just crazy horny about you
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
