The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
I just want nice things and good sex
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
