she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
It's official drugs can't kill me
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
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