i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
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