oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Randomize
