Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
Maybe he injected his testicle?
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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