You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
Randomize
