Whiskey dick.
Yea dude! Love it. Hate it. Have it.
Everyday of my life.
I cockslap morals
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
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