I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
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