he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
Randomize
