do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
