you dont need to remember merediths name haha. only jane
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
Randomize
