I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize
