Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
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