oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
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