Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
Randomize
