We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
I see more hoeing in ur future
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