Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
