Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
Randomize
