well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
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