Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
