She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
Randomize
