Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
The visine ive been using for four yrs expired. in sept. of 2001.....i will never question my eye problems again.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
I fill condoms, not promises.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
Randomize
