Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
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