The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
Randomize
