Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
