Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
Randomize
