I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
You need a sexual gate keeper
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
Randomize
