Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
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