People with herpes should wear stickers.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
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