I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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