the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
