one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Randomize
