i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
sarcasm needs its own font
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
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