I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Randomize
