Apparently you make a good broom.
so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
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