i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
