I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
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