i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
