Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
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