I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
Randomize
