Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
have i crossed some slutty boundary when gay guys are sending me cock pics?
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
Drake has all the answers
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
Randomize
