i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
Randomize
