The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
Randomize
