he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
