I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
sorry for the late response. was in jail for 6 months.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
